Frustrations

There are many frustrating things that go along with having a child who has ADHD. One of them, probably the hardest for me to deal with, is anger. I don't like being angry, it makes me mad...

Just as I was getting set to write this, a struggle happened. It involved a child who wanted to keep playing with a light saber and a mother who wanted the child to start getting ready for bed. In a matter of seconds, he simply stopped being able to think about anything but getting his hands on the toy. He didn't seem to be able to hear his mother at all. This is where I usually try to interject and get him to focus on something else and calm down. This time, as I started calling his name, not 5 feet away from him, he just seem to get more and more determined. This has been steadily getting worse in recent weeks and days even. Usually, I can get his attention and get him to stop thinking about whatever it is and relax. Lately, including tonight, I just couldn't get his attention. I ended up yelling his name, which brought him back from wherever he was.

I hate yelling at my child... I hate it. It makes me feel horrible. It makes me feel like I have taken some easy, yet despicable way out of a situation. I hate that sometimes, it is the only way to get his attention.

Last night, in a restaurant, we had a similar situation. At a crowded buffet, he needed to stay with me while his mom was getting his plate of food. It was not just a desire, it was simply the only option. As she walked away, he started to get out of his seat and follow her. I started telling him that he needed to stay with me. Again, his focus was laser-like on getting down and going with her. I tried and tried to be calm in getting him to understand, but he just simply couldn't take his eyes off of the prize. I ended up not only physically restraining him, but also, again, snapping at him to sit in his seat. Again, I felt like human garbage,

Here is what makes this even harder for me to deal with. Less than a minute after each episode, he was fine and seemed to have no recollection of the event or ill will toward me. In both instances, he was no worse for the wear. The feeling that this creates in me sure seems to be for nothing. I wouldn't feel bad for yelling or screaming at my children to prevent them from running in front of a car or something like that. But this kind of stuff, while validly important, sure seems like a pointless reason to yell at a child.

This has happened in the past, but with much less frequency or intensity than is happening now. Just last week, I was telling a small group of people how I am able to gain control of the situation very calmly. At that point, I was able to speak to him or in elevated cases, touch him, and get his attention. Currently, this option seems to be fading. I have to find another way.

This all seems so sudden to me, and foreign.

At least he seems to get over it pretty quickly. That is about the only positive I can wrap my brain around right now. I wish I could see things from his perspective...

We get to see his pediatrician this week. I assume that we will get an official diagnosis and advice on what to do next. That will be welcomed. I know from researching what some of our immediate things to focus on will include. One of those will be getting another evaluation in order to be considered for an IEP or 504 status. I won't bore you with what those are except to say that they are designations that declare his condition and thus his qualification for further help in some areas. I am yet unsure how I feel about this... The other upcoming decisions will probably include medicine. My position on this reality is fluid. I'm starting to lean much more in the direction of yes.

I'm so sorry Cody...

In the Beginning...

This is very difficult for me, for a number of reasons. Most are probably selfish reasons. The main reason is because I love my son and I am not terribly interested in watching him struggle. It makes me angry, sad, over-whelmed, scared, unprepared, alone and useless all at the same time. I know that what he faces will be a constant battle for him. I know that he will probably feel all of those things as well, only probably much more than I do or even than I can imagine. I don't want him to go through this. But, he has to, and so do I.

We are at the absolute beginning of this journey. We haven't even gotten the official diagnosis yet, but I know what it will be. I have known for a couple of years that we would eventually get to this point. He has ADHD.

I used to have doubts about the reality of this condition. I use to believe that it was diagnosed and treated as kind of a cop-out for people who didn't want to deal with a difficult child. I used to think it was an excuse for the result of poor parenting. I was wrong. I have learned more in the last few days about this condition than I ever wanted to learn. Of all the stuff I have learned, the most important is that my child has something that he will need lots of help from me with. He can't research and understand all of the details and options available to him. He can't yet comprehend all that this entails. I can, and I have to. That is one of the things that makes me feel over-whelmed.

We were given a list of resources that might be of some help to us. I know that there are lots of people in similar situations. I know that there are lots of people who have incredible insight into this. I know there are lots of people that can help us through this. I know. That doesn't make it any easier for me at the moment. I'm not there yer. I have faith that I will get there, but I'm not there yet.

In addition to all of the help and support we have available, we also have our Lord and Savior. As I was typing the previous paragraph, a verse, which several years ago gave me fits trying to understand, came to mind. I don't view this as a coincidence or any small thing. 2 Timothy 1:12 says, "...for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day." That verse along with another that was brought to mind from Psalm 121, which, in part says, "...My help comes from Jehovah, who made Heaven and earth."

I know not everyone who reads this will give much thought to that, but for me, it is of utmost importance and I know I can rely on it.

This is a journey. This is a process. This isn't something that we will overcome, it is something that we will have to deal with for a long time. We are just taking the first steps, but I am already, just in the course of writing this blog more hopeful than I was twenty minutes ago. I don't expect this will be easy, nothing worthwhile ever is. I expect it will be much harder for my son, who has yet to come to a place in his life where he understand and relies on the promises of God like I do. So, one of the sources of help, not from the packet of information we were given, that I have to lean on more than any others has been made very clear to me.

I started to say, I got off track in what I was talking about. That may be the case, but I think what actually happened is that I got ON track.

My kids are more important to me than I know how to explain. If you have kids, you know what I'm talking about. Cody is so full of life and has such a wonderful personality. The last thing I want to do is see that dimmed. I expect that I will learn of many treatment options pretty soon, one of which is medication. I already know that most of the available medication have side effects. One common side effect is that it "flattens" out the person. Dims the brightness that they shine, so to speak. I'm not at all eager for that to happen. We will deal with that hurdle when we get to it. I think the main reason I didn't admit to his problem sooner was this reality was there, gnawing at me. I know when the time comes, that will be my main argument against. I also know that I will probably become convinced that the trade off will be worth it. Whether it truly will or not is yet to be seen. I think the second to last thing I want to do is to make a decision that will prevent my son from getting help that he obviously needs. This battle rages in my mind...

This is only the beginning. I need to slow down and breathe.

I know I have many friends that will offer up advice and encouragement. I appreciate that, I truly do. I would only ask that you don't do an information dump on me. I am not looking for advice by writing this blog. Please don't take that the wrong way. What you can do, if you feel like you need to help, is pray. I may ask for specific things at some point, but for now, let the Lord lead your prayers in this matter.

My heart is pounding as I ponder whether or not to even publish this blog.

I love you Cody!