Frustrations

There are many frustrating things that go along with having a child who has ADHD. One of them, probably the hardest for me to deal with, is anger. I don't like being angry, it makes me mad...

Just as I was getting set to write this, a struggle happened. It involved a child who wanted to keep playing with a light saber and a mother who wanted the child to start getting ready for bed. In a matter of seconds, he simply stopped being able to think about anything but getting his hands on the toy. He didn't seem to be able to hear his mother at all. This is where I usually try to interject and get him to focus on something else and calm down. This time, as I started calling his name, not 5 feet away from him, he just seem to get more and more determined. This has been steadily getting worse in recent weeks and days even. Usually, I can get his attention and get him to stop thinking about whatever it is and relax. Lately, including tonight, I just couldn't get his attention. I ended up yelling his name, which brought him back from wherever he was.

I hate yelling at my child... I hate it. It makes me feel horrible. It makes me feel like I have taken some easy, yet despicable way out of a situation. I hate that sometimes, it is the only way to get his attention.

Last night, in a restaurant, we had a similar situation. At a crowded buffet, he needed to stay with me while his mom was getting his plate of food. It was not just a desire, it was simply the only option. As she walked away, he started to get out of his seat and follow her. I started telling him that he needed to stay with me. Again, his focus was laser-like on getting down and going with her. I tried and tried to be calm in getting him to understand, but he just simply couldn't take his eyes off of the prize. I ended up not only physically restraining him, but also, again, snapping at him to sit in his seat. Again, I felt like human garbage,

Here is what makes this even harder for me to deal with. Less than a minute after each episode, he was fine and seemed to have no recollection of the event or ill will toward me. In both instances, he was no worse for the wear. The feeling that this creates in me sure seems to be for nothing. I wouldn't feel bad for yelling or screaming at my children to prevent them from running in front of a car or something like that. But this kind of stuff, while validly important, sure seems like a pointless reason to yell at a child.

This has happened in the past, but with much less frequency or intensity than is happening now. Just last week, I was telling a small group of people how I am able to gain control of the situation very calmly. At that point, I was able to speak to him or in elevated cases, touch him, and get his attention. Currently, this option seems to be fading. I have to find another way.

This all seems so sudden to me, and foreign.

At least he seems to get over it pretty quickly. That is about the only positive I can wrap my brain around right now. I wish I could see things from his perspective...

We get to see his pediatrician this week. I assume that we will get an official diagnosis and advice on what to do next. That will be welcomed. I know from researching what some of our immediate things to focus on will include. One of those will be getting another evaluation in order to be considered for an IEP or 504 status. I won't bore you with what those are except to say that they are designations that declare his condition and thus his qualification for further help in some areas. I am yet unsure how I feel about this... The other upcoming decisions will probably include medicine. My position on this reality is fluid. I'm starting to lean much more in the direction of yes.

I'm so sorry Cody...