The Waiting Room

I don't recall having any expectations of what the evaluation would be like. I'm not a big fan of waiting rooms or crowds, much less, crowded waiting rooms. So I was probably dreading the experience more than anything else.

The area I sat in had about 10 seats, about half of which were being used by adults. Most of the kids that were there were either standing or moving about. There was a chalkboard on one wall and a couple of boys were writing and drawing on the already filled board. Another child was being engaged in conversation by another adult. He was explaining how cobblestones were made, and why. A very detailed description of where you get the stone, how it was mined, smelted and turned into cobblestone. Why the smelter was made of cobblestone. The lady seemed to be more interested in getting him to talk than actually carrying on any sort of meaningful conversation. Cobblestone, cobblestone, cobblestone, he repeated, over and over as he paced back and forth. Occasionally he would join her child in talking about portals to another dimension, all while keeping up with her questions about cobblestone. His dad interjected only once during the conversation when he corrected his grammar. As this child was called in, his dad had to call his name and say, "let's go", about 4 times before he actually turned away from the cobblestone lady.

As I watched this, while waiting for Cody to be called, I could see in all of these kids, things I see in my own. It kind of hit me like a ton of br..  cobblestone. Any doubt I might have been hanging on to about Cody, was gone in a matter of minutes. During this time, Cody was moving back an forth between me and his mother, sitting sideways, bouncing, being upside down, etc.

As staff came out to engage the kids that they were to examine, the first thing I noticed was their demeanor. They seemed very deliberate in their movements, very relaxed. They talked to the kids in very direct way, getting down to their level, seeing them eye-to-eye. They would notice things about them, shirts, etc., and use that as a conversation starter as they led them away.  This part of the process gave me a good feeling. It was very obvious that they knew how to talk to the kids in a non-intimidating way.

When we were finally called, we were one of three families that were there for the same thing. They led the kids into a classroom and then they called the parents into another room. We sat with two other couples and a gentleman who was facilitating our class. As he handed out literature and started going over it, I was smacked with reality again. There were three columns of different behaviors or traits on one page. As he read them out loud, I was checking them off in my head as they applied to Cody. Yes, yes, yes... All the way through all three lists, with the exception of one thing, I felt like the answer was yes. It was if they had observed my child as they were coming up with this list.

We were encouraged to talk about our kids around the table. There was a lot of agreeing and head-nodding as people spoke. I made one comment about something that has been really difficult to deal with, thinking I was unique in the way I felt. Not only did the facilitator say it wasn't really unusual, but two of the parents also agreed that they face the same issue. This was encouraging.

The guy talked about all kinds of science relating to the brain and how it works. Also how it works differently for some people. He talked about various things that may lead to this disorder, or may not, the science is far from settled. He also talked about what doesn't cause it. Including parental influences and things like that. Genetics seems to be the direction that they lean in the most. There has not been an ADD gene isolated that they can point to, however. There is no cure. There is no magic pill that can make it go away. There are only methods to help people function and cope better.

As slapped into reality as I was with this process, I did feel better by the time it was over. The information we got was helpful. It wasn't a this is how you do it type session, it was more of a you are in it for the long haul, but there is help type session. I felt better, yes, but still a bit over-whelmed. There is a lot to learn. There is a lot to think about. There are many decisions to be made. There are many challenges to be faced. There is help...

I feel like I sound as though this is something I have to go through. I do, but it isn't about me. This is about my son. Whatever I have to go through in order to help him, I just have to do it. I don't have an option. He doesn't have an option, why should I?

I'm not looking forward to the challenges, but I am looking forward to the triumphs. You cannot have a triumph without a challenge. It is inevitable. We are here for a reason. The path we walk is for a reason.

I am reminded of something I responded with recently regarding my son. Cody's brain is like the Hubble telescope, once you get it focused, you will be amazed at the things it can see.

That is reason enough for me.

In the Beginning...

This is very difficult for me, for a number of reasons. Most are probably selfish reasons. The main reason is because I love my son and I am not terribly interested in watching him struggle. It makes me angry, sad, over-whelmed, scared, unprepared, alone and useless all at the same time. I know that what he faces will be a constant battle for him. I know that he will probably feel all of those things as well, only probably much more than I do or even than I can imagine. I don't want him to go through this. But, he has to, and so do I.

We are at the absolute beginning of this journey. We haven't even gotten the official diagnosis yet, but I know what it will be. I have known for a couple of years that we would eventually get to this point. He has ADHD.

I used to have doubts about the reality of this condition. I use to believe that it was diagnosed and treated as kind of a cop-out for people who didn't want to deal with a difficult child. I used to think it was an excuse for the result of poor parenting. I was wrong. I have learned more in the last few days about this condition than I ever wanted to learn. Of all the stuff I have learned, the most important is that my child has something that he will need lots of help from me with. He can't research and understand all of the details and options available to him. He can't yet comprehend all that this entails. I can, and I have to. That is one of the things that makes me feel over-whelmed.

We were given a list of resources that might be of some help to us. I know that there are lots of people in similar situations. I know that there are lots of people who have incredible insight into this. I know there are lots of people that can help us through this. I know. That doesn't make it any easier for me at the moment. I'm not there yer. I have faith that I will get there, but I'm not there yet.

In addition to all of the help and support we have available, we also have our Lord and Savior. As I was typing the previous paragraph, a verse, which several years ago gave me fits trying to understand, came to mind. I don't view this as a coincidence or any small thing. 2 Timothy 1:12 says, "...for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day." That verse along with another that was brought to mind from Psalm 121, which, in part says, "...My help comes from Jehovah, who made Heaven and earth."

I know not everyone who reads this will give much thought to that, but for me, it is of utmost importance and I know I can rely on it.

This is a journey. This is a process. This isn't something that we will overcome, it is something that we will have to deal with for a long time. We are just taking the first steps, but I am already, just in the course of writing this blog more hopeful than I was twenty minutes ago. I don't expect this will be easy, nothing worthwhile ever is. I expect it will be much harder for my son, who has yet to come to a place in his life where he understand and relies on the promises of God like I do. So, one of the sources of help, not from the packet of information we were given, that I have to lean on more than any others has been made very clear to me.

I started to say, I got off track in what I was talking about. That may be the case, but I think what actually happened is that I got ON track.

My kids are more important to me than I know how to explain. If you have kids, you know what I'm talking about. Cody is so full of life and has such a wonderful personality. The last thing I want to do is see that dimmed. I expect that I will learn of many treatment options pretty soon, one of which is medication. I already know that most of the available medication have side effects. One common side effect is that it "flattens" out the person. Dims the brightness that they shine, so to speak. I'm not at all eager for that to happen. We will deal with that hurdle when we get to it. I think the main reason I didn't admit to his problem sooner was this reality was there, gnawing at me. I know when the time comes, that will be my main argument against. I also know that I will probably become convinced that the trade off will be worth it. Whether it truly will or not is yet to be seen. I think the second to last thing I want to do is to make a decision that will prevent my son from getting help that he obviously needs. This battle rages in my mind...

This is only the beginning. I need to slow down and breathe.

I know I have many friends that will offer up advice and encouragement. I appreciate that, I truly do. I would only ask that you don't do an information dump on me. I am not looking for advice by writing this blog. Please don't take that the wrong way. What you can do, if you feel like you need to help, is pray. I may ask for specific things at some point, but for now, let the Lord lead your prayers in this matter.

My heart is pounding as I ponder whether or not to even publish this blog.

I love you Cody!