What this is really about...

It may seem that this blog is about my feelings and my trying to make sense of it all, and it is, but only because of what it's really about, my son.

Cody is a tremendous source of joy in my life. I will do everything in my power to give him the tools to be successful and happy. As much as it is up to me, he will be both, to the greatest extent possible.

Ever since he was born, he has been  full of life. Exuberant, energetic, bubbly, excited, inquisitive, brave, loving, tender, these are all things that describe him well. There is so much more to him than just these words though. I could never put into words everything he is or what he means to me.

I love to watch him explore. I love to watch him discover new things. I love to watch him overcome a fear he has. I love to watch him experience life to the fullest. He genuinely enjoys life.

He loves his brother, dearly, painfully sometimes. He loves his mother deeply. Sometimes, nothing makes him happier than just being in the same space as her. I know he loves me as well. I see it in his eyes. I hear it in his words. I feel it when he touches me. He tells me of this fact, often, sometimes when it's the last thing you'd expect to hear. He oozes love.

He is so excited to share the things he loves with you. Everything from Legos, Marvel superheroes, Star Wars, video games, drawings, pretending, to throwing rocks into the water. He wants you to experience the same joy he is experiencing.

He is imaginative. He can come up with some of the silliest questions, words, stories and ideas you could think of. He can get lost inside a drawing. He sees what he draws differently than some who may look at it. He sometimes draws, not just a static image, but draws it as it would appear over time. Sometimes there is so much stuff on top of what he originally drew, that it just looks like scribbles. But he can tell you exactly what is going on. He also sees other art in a way that I may not, at first. There was an abstract piece hanging at the doctors office. He told me they had a picture of a chicken. Once he said that, I immediately saw what he meant. It was then a chicken.

He enjoys dirt much in the same way that I did as a child. That makes him dirty sometimes, but it takes me back to my childhood. I can appreciate that aspect of him more than his mother can I believe. I love that he can have just as much fun with a stick and some dirt as he can with a video game or Lego set. Not just because it's cheaper...

I am reminded of Psalm 129 when I think of Cody. in part, it says, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made". He certainly is.

Here is a montage of photos I took of him, unscripted, just him being who he is. This was when he was 4.

It's Not Fair...

"It's not fair"! How many times have we heard that phrase? Someone else always lands on Boardwalk and Park Place. The best horse on the carousel always gets taken before you get there. The rock breaks your window  on the freeway. It's always something. Injustice abounds.

One definition, and probably what most think of when speaking of fairness, is "in accordance with the rules or standards".

With that in mind, how does "fair" relate to our lives? It isn't fair that my child has to struggle with ADHD. Fair, in accordance with what rule or standard? Who makes the rules for life? Why weren't we given a copy of the rule book?

Maybe we did. Maybe we just don't like the particular rule. While I may not think it fair for my child to have to go through this, it is hardly "unfair". God chose this path for a reason. Why, I have no idea, as is the case with many things. But I do know this, God has a plan. It may take years for me to see it, or maybe I never will understand, but there is a plan. Maybe God wants me to become more empathetic to the plights of others. Maybe He wants me to become better at helping others through difficult situations. Maybe He wants me to devote more time to my children. Maybe it isn't about me at all. Maybe it is my child whom God is grooming for some greater good. Maybe it is one of his classmates. Maybe it is one of you, who are reading this. Who knows??

God does, and He has since eternity past.

Fair? For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. When God created the rule book, it's hard to argue about our circumstances being unfair. Jesus could have said, "but its not fair". Instead, He said, "not my will, but your will".

There are many people in far worse situations than I am in. There are many children with far greater challenges than Cody has. We may not like the cards we've been dealt, but we were never promised that life would be easy, much less, fair, as we perceive it.

Heb 4:16  Therefore let us come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

In the Beginning...

This is very difficult for me, for a number of reasons. Most are probably selfish reasons. The main reason is because I love my son and I am not terribly interested in watching him struggle. It makes me angry, sad, over-whelmed, scared, unprepared, alone and useless all at the same time. I know that what he faces will be a constant battle for him. I know that he will probably feel all of those things as well, only probably much more than I do or even than I can imagine. I don't want him to go through this. But, he has to, and so do I.

We are at the absolute beginning of this journey. We haven't even gotten the official diagnosis yet, but I know what it will be. I have known for a couple of years that we would eventually get to this point. He has ADHD.

I used to have doubts about the reality of this condition. I use to believe that it was diagnosed and treated as kind of a cop-out for people who didn't want to deal with a difficult child. I used to think it was an excuse for the result of poor parenting. I was wrong. I have learned more in the last few days about this condition than I ever wanted to learn. Of all the stuff I have learned, the most important is that my child has something that he will need lots of help from me with. He can't research and understand all of the details and options available to him. He can't yet comprehend all that this entails. I can, and I have to. That is one of the things that makes me feel over-whelmed.

We were given a list of resources that might be of some help to us. I know that there are lots of people in similar situations. I know that there are lots of people who have incredible insight into this. I know there are lots of people that can help us through this. I know. That doesn't make it any easier for me at the moment. I'm not there yer. I have faith that I will get there, but I'm not there yet.

In addition to all of the help and support we have available, we also have our Lord and Savior. As I was typing the previous paragraph, a verse, which several years ago gave me fits trying to understand, came to mind. I don't view this as a coincidence or any small thing. 2 Timothy 1:12 says, "...for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day." That verse along with another that was brought to mind from Psalm 121, which, in part says, "...My help comes from Jehovah, who made Heaven and earth."

I know not everyone who reads this will give much thought to that, but for me, it is of utmost importance and I know I can rely on it.

This is a journey. This is a process. This isn't something that we will overcome, it is something that we will have to deal with for a long time. We are just taking the first steps, but I am already, just in the course of writing this blog more hopeful than I was twenty minutes ago. I don't expect this will be easy, nothing worthwhile ever is. I expect it will be much harder for my son, who has yet to come to a place in his life where he understand and relies on the promises of God like I do. So, one of the sources of help, not from the packet of information we were given, that I have to lean on more than any others has been made very clear to me.

I started to say, I got off track in what I was talking about. That may be the case, but I think what actually happened is that I got ON track.

My kids are more important to me than I know how to explain. If you have kids, you know what I'm talking about. Cody is so full of life and has such a wonderful personality. The last thing I want to do is see that dimmed. I expect that I will learn of many treatment options pretty soon, one of which is medication. I already know that most of the available medication have side effects. One common side effect is that it "flattens" out the person. Dims the brightness that they shine, so to speak. I'm not at all eager for that to happen. We will deal with that hurdle when we get to it. I think the main reason I didn't admit to his problem sooner was this reality was there, gnawing at me. I know when the time comes, that will be my main argument against. I also know that I will probably become convinced that the trade off will be worth it. Whether it truly will or not is yet to be seen. I think the second to last thing I want to do is to make a decision that will prevent my son from getting help that he obviously needs. This battle rages in my mind...

This is only the beginning. I need to slow down and breathe.

I know I have many friends that will offer up advice and encouragement. I appreciate that, I truly do. I would only ask that you don't do an information dump on me. I am not looking for advice by writing this blog. Please don't take that the wrong way. What you can do, if you feel like you need to help, is pray. I may ask for specific things at some point, but for now, let the Lord lead your prayers in this matter.

My heart is pounding as I ponder whether or not to even publish this blog.

I love you Cody!