What this is really about...

It may seem that this blog is about my feelings and my trying to make sense of it all, and it is, but only because of what it's really about, my son.

Cody is a tremendous source of joy in my life. I will do everything in my power to give him the tools to be successful and happy. As much as it is up to me, he will be both, to the greatest extent possible.

Ever since he was born, he has been  full of life. Exuberant, energetic, bubbly, excited, inquisitive, brave, loving, tender, these are all things that describe him well. There is so much more to him than just these words though. I could never put into words everything he is or what he means to me.

I love to watch him explore. I love to watch him discover new things. I love to watch him overcome a fear he has. I love to watch him experience life to the fullest. He genuinely enjoys life.

He loves his brother, dearly, painfully sometimes. He loves his mother deeply. Sometimes, nothing makes him happier than just being in the same space as her. I know he loves me as well. I see it in his eyes. I hear it in his words. I feel it when he touches me. He tells me of this fact, often, sometimes when it's the last thing you'd expect to hear. He oozes love.

He is so excited to share the things he loves with you. Everything from Legos, Marvel superheroes, Star Wars, video games, drawings, pretending, to throwing rocks into the water. He wants you to experience the same joy he is experiencing.

He is imaginative. He can come up with some of the silliest questions, words, stories and ideas you could think of. He can get lost inside a drawing. He sees what he draws differently than some who may look at it. He sometimes draws, not just a static image, but draws it as it would appear over time. Sometimes there is so much stuff on top of what he originally drew, that it just looks like scribbles. But he can tell you exactly what is going on. He also sees other art in a way that I may not, at first. There was an abstract piece hanging at the doctors office. He told me they had a picture of a chicken. Once he said that, I immediately saw what he meant. It was then a chicken.

He enjoys dirt much in the same way that I did as a child. That makes him dirty sometimes, but it takes me back to my childhood. I can appreciate that aspect of him more than his mother can I believe. I love that he can have just as much fun with a stick and some dirt as he can with a video game or Lego set. Not just because it's cheaper...

I am reminded of Psalm 129 when I think of Cody. in part, it says, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made". He certainly is.

Here is a montage of photos I took of him, unscripted, just him being who he is. This was when he was 4.

Frustrations

There are many frustrating things that go along with having a child who has ADHD. One of them, probably the hardest for me to deal with, is anger. I don't like being angry, it makes me mad...

Just as I was getting set to write this, a struggle happened. It involved a child who wanted to keep playing with a light saber and a mother who wanted the child to start getting ready for bed. In a matter of seconds, he simply stopped being able to think about anything but getting his hands on the toy. He didn't seem to be able to hear his mother at all. This is where I usually try to interject and get him to focus on something else and calm down. This time, as I started calling his name, not 5 feet away from him, he just seem to get more and more determined. This has been steadily getting worse in recent weeks and days even. Usually, I can get his attention and get him to stop thinking about whatever it is and relax. Lately, including tonight, I just couldn't get his attention. I ended up yelling his name, which brought him back from wherever he was.

I hate yelling at my child... I hate it. It makes me feel horrible. It makes me feel like I have taken some easy, yet despicable way out of a situation. I hate that sometimes, it is the only way to get his attention.

Last night, in a restaurant, we had a similar situation. At a crowded buffet, he needed to stay with me while his mom was getting his plate of food. It was not just a desire, it was simply the only option. As she walked away, he started to get out of his seat and follow her. I started telling him that he needed to stay with me. Again, his focus was laser-like on getting down and going with her. I tried and tried to be calm in getting him to understand, but he just simply couldn't take his eyes off of the prize. I ended up not only physically restraining him, but also, again, snapping at him to sit in his seat. Again, I felt like human garbage,

Here is what makes this even harder for me to deal with. Less than a minute after each episode, he was fine and seemed to have no recollection of the event or ill will toward me. In both instances, he was no worse for the wear. The feeling that this creates in me sure seems to be for nothing. I wouldn't feel bad for yelling or screaming at my children to prevent them from running in front of a car or something like that. But this kind of stuff, while validly important, sure seems like a pointless reason to yell at a child.

This has happened in the past, but with much less frequency or intensity than is happening now. Just last week, I was telling a small group of people how I am able to gain control of the situation very calmly. At that point, I was able to speak to him or in elevated cases, touch him, and get his attention. Currently, this option seems to be fading. I have to find another way.

This all seems so sudden to me, and foreign.

At least he seems to get over it pretty quickly. That is about the only positive I can wrap my brain around right now. I wish I could see things from his perspective...

We get to see his pediatrician this week. I assume that we will get an official diagnosis and advice on what to do next. That will be welcomed. I know from researching what some of our immediate things to focus on will include. One of those will be getting another evaluation in order to be considered for an IEP or 504 status. I won't bore you with what those are except to say that they are designations that declare his condition and thus his qualification for further help in some areas. I am yet unsure how I feel about this... The other upcoming decisions will probably include medicine. My position on this reality is fluid. I'm starting to lean much more in the direction of yes.

I'm so sorry Cody...

It's Not Fair...

"It's not fair"! How many times have we heard that phrase? Someone else always lands on Boardwalk and Park Place. The best horse on the carousel always gets taken before you get there. The rock breaks your window  on the freeway. It's always something. Injustice abounds.

One definition, and probably what most think of when speaking of fairness, is "in accordance with the rules or standards".

With that in mind, how does "fair" relate to our lives? It isn't fair that my child has to struggle with ADHD. Fair, in accordance with what rule or standard? Who makes the rules for life? Why weren't we given a copy of the rule book?

Maybe we did. Maybe we just don't like the particular rule. While I may not think it fair for my child to have to go through this, it is hardly "unfair". God chose this path for a reason. Why, I have no idea, as is the case with many things. But I do know this, God has a plan. It may take years for me to see it, or maybe I never will understand, but there is a plan. Maybe God wants me to become more empathetic to the plights of others. Maybe He wants me to become better at helping others through difficult situations. Maybe He wants me to devote more time to my children. Maybe it isn't about me at all. Maybe it is my child whom God is grooming for some greater good. Maybe it is one of his classmates. Maybe it is one of you, who are reading this. Who knows??

God does, and He has since eternity past.

Fair? For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. When God created the rule book, it's hard to argue about our circumstances being unfair. Jesus could have said, "but its not fair". Instead, He said, "not my will, but your will".

There are many people in far worse situations than I am in. There are many children with far greater challenges than Cody has. We may not like the cards we've been dealt, but we were never promised that life would be easy, much less, fair, as we perceive it.

Heb 4:16  Therefore let us come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Where to Start

That is the nagging question, where do I start? There is such an abundance of information to wade through. Evaluations, diagnosis, online data, books, support groups, informational classes, 504s, IEPs, physiology, parenting resources, educational advocacy, medicines, exercises, relaxation, structural recommendations, how-to this, how-to that, do this, don't do that, hurry up, be patient...

Information overload.

Where do you start to try understand what your child needs. What does he need first? Who do I need? What I really need is advice from someone who is just a few months ahead of me in the process. But not just anyone, Someone who has taken the right steps, not only in the right direction, but in the right order. Is there a right order? Is there a right direction?

I think that all depends on the child. Where does he need the most help, the quickest? What can I do that is most beneficial for him at this point in our journey?

I don't have answers to any of these questions. What I do have is instinct. I'd like to think I've gained a little wisdom in my time on earth. I think what my son needs most from me, not just now, but always, is to know that I care, to know that I love him and to know that I will do anything I am able to do to help him in this life. In that, he is no different from any child.

We attended a class tonight that was focused on helping in the area of school challenges. While I think the general information given was a little ahead of where we are, we did get a couple of lists of more resources. I have been able to check out a few of the ones I've already collected and found some that appear as though they will be helpful and some that might not fit our needs. I'm planning on attending another one, hosted by one of the well-spoken of resources, tomorrow. I am very interested in hearing from other parents in what I hope will be a well-moderated session. I think this will be an opportunity to get an opinion or three on my nagging question, where to start.

If I can digress for a moment, and I think, being that this is my blog, I have permission... One thing that annoys me greatly at meetings like these are those people that seem to think that their specific concerns are worthy of stopping the entire meeting for. A lady tonight, during a two-hour overview, asked several questions that related only to her child, not on the topic being spoken of, and right in the middle of the facilitator speaking. One being, how to get my child to stop blowing spit bubbles... Time and place ma'am, time and place.

I feel the need to hit the ground running in this marathon, but I just want to be sure I don't run 26 miles in the wrong direction. I don't run that well as it is. It would be quite an accomplishment to win the New York Marathon while running the Boston Marathon. Or, I guess in my case, to finish dead last in one while running the other...

It is essential to aim in the correct direction if you are to have any chance of hitting the target. When it comes to my child, I don't want to waste any ammunition firing blindly at targets that have no value. I know I won't always hit the bullseye, but I fully intend on giving it my best shot, every time.

This has been a bit of a ramble, but I think it probably illustrates where my head is right now. Pray for direction.

The Waiting Room

I don't recall having any expectations of what the evaluation would be like. I'm not a big fan of waiting rooms or crowds, much less, crowded waiting rooms. So I was probably dreading the experience more than anything else.

The area I sat in had about 10 seats, about half of which were being used by adults. Most of the kids that were there were either standing or moving about. There was a chalkboard on one wall and a couple of boys were writing and drawing on the already filled board. Another child was being engaged in conversation by another adult. He was explaining how cobblestones were made, and why. A very detailed description of where you get the stone, how it was mined, smelted and turned into cobblestone. Why the smelter was made of cobblestone. The lady seemed to be more interested in getting him to talk than actually carrying on any sort of meaningful conversation. Cobblestone, cobblestone, cobblestone, he repeated, over and over as he paced back and forth. Occasionally he would join her child in talking about portals to another dimension, all while keeping up with her questions about cobblestone. His dad interjected only once during the conversation when he corrected his grammar. As this child was called in, his dad had to call his name and say, "let's go", about 4 times before he actually turned away from the cobblestone lady.

As I watched this, while waiting for Cody to be called, I could see in all of these kids, things I see in my own. It kind of hit me like a ton of br..  cobblestone. Any doubt I might have been hanging on to about Cody, was gone in a matter of minutes. During this time, Cody was moving back an forth between me and his mother, sitting sideways, bouncing, being upside down, etc.

As staff came out to engage the kids that they were to examine, the first thing I noticed was their demeanor. They seemed very deliberate in their movements, very relaxed. They talked to the kids in very direct way, getting down to their level, seeing them eye-to-eye. They would notice things about them, shirts, etc., and use that as a conversation starter as they led them away.  This part of the process gave me a good feeling. It was very obvious that they knew how to talk to the kids in a non-intimidating way.

When we were finally called, we were one of three families that were there for the same thing. They led the kids into a classroom and then they called the parents into another room. We sat with two other couples and a gentleman who was facilitating our class. As he handed out literature and started going over it, I was smacked with reality again. There were three columns of different behaviors or traits on one page. As he read them out loud, I was checking them off in my head as they applied to Cody. Yes, yes, yes... All the way through all three lists, with the exception of one thing, I felt like the answer was yes. It was if they had observed my child as they were coming up with this list.

We were encouraged to talk about our kids around the table. There was a lot of agreeing and head-nodding as people spoke. I made one comment about something that has been really difficult to deal with, thinking I was unique in the way I felt. Not only did the facilitator say it wasn't really unusual, but two of the parents also agreed that they face the same issue. This was encouraging.

The guy talked about all kinds of science relating to the brain and how it works. Also how it works differently for some people. He talked about various things that may lead to this disorder, or may not, the science is far from settled. He also talked about what doesn't cause it. Including parental influences and things like that. Genetics seems to be the direction that they lean in the most. There has not been an ADD gene isolated that they can point to, however. There is no cure. There is no magic pill that can make it go away. There are only methods to help people function and cope better.

As slapped into reality as I was with this process, I did feel better by the time it was over. The information we got was helpful. It wasn't a this is how you do it type session, it was more of a you are in it for the long haul, but there is help type session. I felt better, yes, but still a bit over-whelmed. There is a lot to learn. There is a lot to think about. There are many decisions to be made. There are many challenges to be faced. There is help...

I feel like I sound as though this is something I have to go through. I do, but it isn't about me. This is about my son. Whatever I have to go through in order to help him, I just have to do it. I don't have an option. He doesn't have an option, why should I?

I'm not looking forward to the challenges, but I am looking forward to the triumphs. You cannot have a triumph without a challenge. It is inevitable. We are here for a reason. The path we walk is for a reason.

I am reminded of something I responded with recently regarding my son. Cody's brain is like the Hubble telescope, once you get it focused, you will be amazed at the things it can see.

That is reason enough for me.

In the Beginning...

This is very difficult for me, for a number of reasons. Most are probably selfish reasons. The main reason is because I love my son and I am not terribly interested in watching him struggle. It makes me angry, sad, over-whelmed, scared, unprepared, alone and useless all at the same time. I know that what he faces will be a constant battle for him. I know that he will probably feel all of those things as well, only probably much more than I do or even than I can imagine. I don't want him to go through this. But, he has to, and so do I.

We are at the absolute beginning of this journey. We haven't even gotten the official diagnosis yet, but I know what it will be. I have known for a couple of years that we would eventually get to this point. He has ADHD.

I used to have doubts about the reality of this condition. I use to believe that it was diagnosed and treated as kind of a cop-out for people who didn't want to deal with a difficult child. I used to think it was an excuse for the result of poor parenting. I was wrong. I have learned more in the last few days about this condition than I ever wanted to learn. Of all the stuff I have learned, the most important is that my child has something that he will need lots of help from me with. He can't research and understand all of the details and options available to him. He can't yet comprehend all that this entails. I can, and I have to. That is one of the things that makes me feel over-whelmed.

We were given a list of resources that might be of some help to us. I know that there are lots of people in similar situations. I know that there are lots of people who have incredible insight into this. I know there are lots of people that can help us through this. I know. That doesn't make it any easier for me at the moment. I'm not there yer. I have faith that I will get there, but I'm not there yet.

In addition to all of the help and support we have available, we also have our Lord and Savior. As I was typing the previous paragraph, a verse, which several years ago gave me fits trying to understand, came to mind. I don't view this as a coincidence or any small thing. 2 Timothy 1:12 says, "...for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day." That verse along with another that was brought to mind from Psalm 121, which, in part says, "...My help comes from Jehovah, who made Heaven and earth."

I know not everyone who reads this will give much thought to that, but for me, it is of utmost importance and I know I can rely on it.

This is a journey. This is a process. This isn't something that we will overcome, it is something that we will have to deal with for a long time. We are just taking the first steps, but I am already, just in the course of writing this blog more hopeful than I was twenty minutes ago. I don't expect this will be easy, nothing worthwhile ever is. I expect it will be much harder for my son, who has yet to come to a place in his life where he understand and relies on the promises of God like I do. So, one of the sources of help, not from the packet of information we were given, that I have to lean on more than any others has been made very clear to me.

I started to say, I got off track in what I was talking about. That may be the case, but I think what actually happened is that I got ON track.

My kids are more important to me than I know how to explain. If you have kids, you know what I'm talking about. Cody is so full of life and has such a wonderful personality. The last thing I want to do is see that dimmed. I expect that I will learn of many treatment options pretty soon, one of which is medication. I already know that most of the available medication have side effects. One common side effect is that it "flattens" out the person. Dims the brightness that they shine, so to speak. I'm not at all eager for that to happen. We will deal with that hurdle when we get to it. I think the main reason I didn't admit to his problem sooner was this reality was there, gnawing at me. I know when the time comes, that will be my main argument against. I also know that I will probably become convinced that the trade off will be worth it. Whether it truly will or not is yet to be seen. I think the second to last thing I want to do is to make a decision that will prevent my son from getting help that he obviously needs. This battle rages in my mind...

This is only the beginning. I need to slow down and breathe.

I know I have many friends that will offer up advice and encouragement. I appreciate that, I truly do. I would only ask that you don't do an information dump on me. I am not looking for advice by writing this blog. Please don't take that the wrong way. What you can do, if you feel like you need to help, is pray. I may ask for specific things at some point, but for now, let the Lord lead your prayers in this matter.

My heart is pounding as I ponder whether or not to even publish this blog.

I love you Cody!